I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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