Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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