grandma shit on top of the toilet
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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