I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
