tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
