I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
