Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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