I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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