I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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