if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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