CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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