I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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