Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
