Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
