She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
God I need to hump something, right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
