My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
