Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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