wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
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