haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
