I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
