So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
