The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
