you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
