I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
