ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
