My hand turned me down
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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