it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
