omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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