My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
