note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
