I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
