Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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