is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
