just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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