I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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