I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
