Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
