Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
