I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
