I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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