I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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