I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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