yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
