My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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