So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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