It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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