If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
