She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
