i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Vodka?
Forever.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
