i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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