I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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