benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
