Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
